We made it through 2021! So why am I feeling so meh…

Well, another year has past. And I still feel like I am flying through life on autopilot. In my down time I can’t seem to focus. You would think I would have utilized this time to find out what my place was in this world. But instead, I scroll through my many social media accounts, and instead of looking for inspiration, I look at random shit, sometimes nonsense, and I look at other peoples stuff and wish I could of had the fortitude and the focus to carve out my own little niche.

It’s frustrating. It’s like there is this nagging feeling, this annoyance that settles into the background of my thoughts. “What are you doing with your life, Lisa?” Well, self, I have done nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Ok, so I haven’t done nothing. I am a mother, a partner, and I do work for a living. So that’s something. But is that enough? Is this the question I should be asking?

If this feeling is in fact the feeling of existential origin, then why is it so fucking hard to for me to tackle it and put it into submission? The very definition of existentialism is a “…person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will.” So what is my problem? Is it my will? My lack to pursue it? And why do I have such a hard time having will power?

Perhaps I do have a problem with will power. Maybe I have convinced myself that mine doesn’t exist. When I look in the mirror I don’t see the person that I thought I was. And I definitely don’t see the person that I wish I could be. There is a disconnect. I see my age, my tired face, my fat, my depression. I joke around a lot about my looks, in fact I get to the punchline before anyone else. But why is this becoming a problem now too? I know my man isn’t going to leave me, and I know my son will always love me. So why can’t I see myself as an asset. I guess when it rains it pours. One negative thought leads to another. And then before I know it, I am spiraling.

And it all stems from this pull, this weird tugging on my soul. What is my purpose? Where did it go? Why can’t I just see it? And why does the failure to to find it make me feel so inadequate?

Where is the silver lining here? Until I find the hidden pieces of my potential, I suppose I need to make some changes in my life. They will be forced, but none the less imperative. I can’t keep traveling down this road. I just can’t. I’ve got people who are depending on me. I suppose if there was any motivation, it will have to come from the idea that if I can’t keep myself in check then the others in my life, like my son and fiance, will eventually be adversely affected. As the old saying goes…shit rolls down hill. Actually I don’t know if this is a real saying. But at least it’s in line with the laws of physics.